Every once in a while I'm reading and something that's ungrammatical, wordy, or just cries out for an edit calls to me (or grabs me by the throat!). Here's s subhead (or "deck") I saw recently in the LA Times:
"The health director came under scrutiny after agreeing to speak at PCC's graduation."
Now, I get that headlines and subheads and cutlines under pictures are tricky because the editors have to kinda, sorta make them fit the width of the column or columns. But really. I was in my wordiness mode, so I would have red-lined it like this:
"Health director scrutinized after agreeing to speak (or speaking) at PCC's graduation."
Keep in mind that articles etc can often be left out of headline and verbs should be strong. I mean, "came under scrutiny?" The same editor (presumably) used the same phrase in a front page headline only days later. Apparently that phrase fits one-column needs for length and brevity be damned.
So, advice: As you edit, check your verbs. It's easy for them to get both passive and too long.
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Carolyn Howard-Johnson edits, consults. and speaks on issues of publishing. Find her The Frugal Editor: Put Your Best Book Forward to Avoid Humiliation and Ensure Success (How To Do It Frugally series of book for writers)
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